Sunrise, Sunset

You know the old song from Fiddler on the Roof? The one they sing during the wedding scene? I was reminded of the lyrics to that song today.

"When did she get to be a beauty? When did he grow to be so tall? Wasn't it yesterday when they were small?"

The reason for this sudden journey into the land of show tunes? My oldest nephew just made me a great aunt and my younger sister a grandmother. Yep I said younger. At 24, settled, married, house and job under their belts, he and his wife just brought little Carly into the world. (Spelling may change depending upon when someone tells me for certain.)

I'm telling you it's not possible. Just the other day he was three years old, riding his first bike-that I bought for him- and falling off of it (yes editor of mine, I just typed off of). I know it wasn't more than a day or two ago that he was dressed up like a ninja, running around trick-or-treating. I swear yesterday he was going to his first school dance. He can't possibly be becoming a daddy!

I guess perhaps this has all been a bit more of a bitter pill to swallow since we recently made a very important decision in my house. We've decided to try to have a baby. My SO is 11 years my junior and has just reached the time when having a family has become important. It's been a hard sell for me. I was there about five years ago and thought I had moved on. But now we have decided that it is what we both want.

Only...

I worry that I'm too old. That I won't have enough energy. That I'll be a bad parent. And most terrifying of all, what if it doesn't work? What if now that we are actually going to try, actually going to want this, what if the answer from the great powers that be is, "No"?

So when I look at my nephew I see his youth. I see my lack of it. I see them tackling something that at 24 I was in no way ready for. Something I was afraid to try too soon, and now fear I may have left too late.